How I Began.
I had always had my head in the clouds. Getting lost in the woods in search of real elves? Easy. Talking to imaginary friends more than to real people? You got it. Pretending to be my twin sister (with a very strange anime name and a horrible temper I must say) and making other people believe I was her? Duh! I’m really proud of that one: I lasted for more than two weeks. Until my friends asked both of us, my twin and me, to go out and play. I got totally busted, but that didn’t stop me from making up other stories.
I had my head in the clouds. I still do. And sadly, I had a lot of reasons not to get out of there into the strange incomprehensible world that surrounded me. Everything in reality seemed to knock me off my feet. I feel like I had to constantly fight for the right to be myself: I had never fit anywhere.
School? I hated it. I was curvy, strange, with a sharp birdy nose, always dreaming about something and I was bullied for… Everything I was and others weren’t. To run away, I dived into my stories, worlds and characters even more: life is so much better, when you add a little fantasy to it. I even simulated I was ill not to go there. Once my illness-acting was so good that my mom took me to the hospital and they left me there for some kind of treatment. I was so freaked out by the needles and so angry at myself for my cowardness, that this was the turning point: when I got back to school I started fighting off. I must admit I got pretty good at it. I hoped that life after school would get easier. Oh how I wish that was true.
Drama School Drama.
I didn’t really fit in at my first acting university either. I did play a lot of main roles because I was one of the hardest workers, but I was constantly reminded not to believe in my very bright future because I wasn’t pretty enough. On the top of that, I was the only alto at the singing classes and had a strange attraction to Louis Armstrong songs. My teacher was outraged because a girl can’t have a voice like that. «Girls have to be sopranos.»
Even the thought of giving up my dream is unbearable to me. But once I found myself on my way there, I was so tired of fighting that I thought: “I’m going to try one last time. If it doesn’t work, I’m done”.
So I went to some random event (don’t ask me how I got there) and sang my heart out. One man asked me if he could come and listen more. I said I don’t sing because my voice doesn’t fit. And then he said the words I still repeat to myself: “God gave you a talent. You have no right not to use it or doubt it.” I am not the most believing person, but I feel like he had a point.
Home. And War.
Because every time I was on stage I had this feeling: I am home. I can be whoever I want and even myself and I will be accepted. So I had to work harder. And I made it to the theater stage and film sets no matter what I’ve been told. Because I knew where I was going.
And then the war started. When I literally had to fight for myself. When everything I achieved didn’t count anymore.
It’s different now. I’m standing in front of a huge and terrifying unknown in a city where no one knows me. But this time I know: I am enough.
And so are you.