An Actor Arrives: Elena’s Journey From Ukraine to Impulse. Part 6.
This time I’d like to talk about a very sensitive topic for me: PTSD and how Meisner classes help me cope with it.
It is hard enough to be forced to immigration and settle in a new country, being completely alone, knowing absolutely nobody and starting over in every aspect of your life. And having an ongoing war in your homeland at the same time makes it almost impossible to bear. Most of the time I feel like I clutch to every possibility to distract myself and create at least an illusion of my life as it was before, doing my best to cut off the desire to run away back home. And sometimes I just ignore my true feelings and force myself into having what you call “a normal life”.
But once you ignore those feelings, they always get out in a very unexpected way. And what they might teach you is priceless.
First time that happened to me, we were just starting to explore “the knock on the door” exercise. Very simple and never easy: one actor stays in the room, another actor goes out and knocks at the door. Then, the actor who was in the room opens the door (or not) and they start a repetition exercise. I had never had any problems with walking out of the room and knocking at the door, but letting somebody in was a huge issue for me. Especially that day, as I had a huge desire to rebel. No idea why, it was just there. I did the first exercise when I had to knock on the door, and then it was my turn to be in the room and my partner to knock. So, the exercise started. I dived into the conversation with Scott and other students, and then… I heard the knock on the door. And what happened next I still cannot fully comprehend. I felt like I didn’t want to open the door. I looked at Scott, I was very sure I didn’t have the impulse to open the door. Scott kindly smiled and asked me whether it was my impulse or my decision. I couldn’t fully figure it out, so I said that it was my decision. I thought that I’m just being stubborn and decided to push myself. I stood up and physically felt that it was hard to breathe, everything in me resisted opening that damn door. It felt like every muscle in my body was overstressed, as if I was pushing the walls that were coming down at me. I remember trying to make myself make a step towards the door, but my body just bent over and I said: “I can’t… I CAN’T”. Scott said: “Then the exercise is over”.
I sat on the chair, watching other students do the exercise after and was nearly crying. I felt crushed and sincerely couldn’t understand what was going on with me there. I was going home after the lessons and replaying the whole thing over and over again, digging in my memory moment by moment until I finally figured it out. I felt that it wasn’t about the exercise or the door… It was about me. “I can’t” was about my life. Scott saw that before me and stopped me in the right moment, so I could reflect on it. Because if not then, I would rebel till my last and never see the real reason behind.
It reminds me how important it is to be honest with myself. Not to ignore myself. It’s okay to have PTSD, it’s okay to be hurt and sad. Some things in life we cannot change, but we can grow through them. I don’t need to run after social stereotypes, “fake it to make it” and imitate a successful life. Every lesson here teaches me to notice myself, be conscious of how I feel in each moment of my life and acknowledge my true impulses.